Lent….

I have found frustrated with my current job once again. My boss hired this girl awhile back and she a bit spoiled and really lazy. She is difficult to work with and made several coworkers and myself look bad. However, my boss think she is wonderful all because they are a grand parent to one of her kids. Several of the coworkers have agreed there is a bit of favoritism and nepotism. This current situation has become difficult because I have had really fantastic work and now my boss thinks I do crap because this young lady doesn’t like me too well. She has complained that I am very harsh with her but I feel like that I am trying to constructively criticize her to help her do better. I often feel that I am working in a petty work environment. I have had to sadly decided to get a new job. I do love my old job, don’t get me wrong but I feel like this place may no longer be the best thing for me. MY boss think I’m real immature but I know that my coworkers disagree. They also think that my work has gotten better. It is very frustrating and I only have a few weeks left at my job which doesn’t make it better. I almost feel like that I’m sitting on my thumbs at this point waiting for the day.

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My first time

I know a few of you all requested a post on my first sexual experiences.

I was about 15 when I met my first boyfriend. He was about a year older than I was and had that same attitude towards life. It was carefree and free spirited. We met towards the end of my freshman year. He was well aware I was still a virgin but had a handful of sexual experiences I.E. fingering, masturbation, grinding…..  Yet, I was still far off from where I am today sexually. He wanted to go further physically in the relationship and I was very willing since my belief on premarital sex was to wait until the right guy came along and not on my wedding night. I knew he was that guy since he was open about a lot of things and taught me a lot about life.  That summer, our  relationship progressed towards that point of total intimacy.  He slowly introduced fingering. Then, we went on further to dry humping quite frequently. I liked this since we could be nude and I could explore my body and his and what boundaries I could push sexually and physically to produce ecstasy and fireworks of an orgasm.  We started talking about having actual sex and I did voice my concerns about the pain. He suggested we should “soak” for a few times before we have actual intercourse. The first time we “soaked” was mid July. It did hurt when he entered but with all the lube we used that wasn’t so bad. we did this for about 15 minutes and then moved on to dry humping and making out. This happened several more times as I got use to his dick inside of me. I got use to his veins and his width just setting inside of me. His dick made my body feel full and lush.  Plus, I got stretched enough to be comfortable to have full on sex.

We started to discuss some more about moving forwarded in this process and to pick a date to actually have sex.  We ended up picking homecoming because we thought it would be cool to do so. I got dolled up in my dress, make up, and hair. We went to the dance and stayed until the end. Our plan was that our parents thought we were going to hang out and stay with friends for the night. We ended up going to one of his friend’s house.  We headed to his friend’s parents bedroom since they were out of town. We started to undress and make out like no other.  Then, he became erect and came into me. Our bodies moved and pulsed to unknown silent  rhythm.  Our bodies climaxed to but I had no clue that I could orgasm vaginally but I did. I started to moan and pulse like never before. I felt like I was on cloud 9. He then followed with his moaning and groaning from his peak.  Our bodies were entwined with this magic. It was like nothing I had experienced before. After climaxing he kept making out with me for another 20 minutes and cuddled me for the rest of the night nude.  The next morning, we both awoke and I was still completely horny. We ended up doing it again. Then, he suggested we do anal and I was completely and utterly in love with the idea of anal. He started to pump away in my butt and It hurt at first but then after a couple of minutes it was awesome. I ended up enjoying it.

Friends with benefits and Sensual expereinmentation

I had this period of time between my first boyfriend and current boyfriend where I had a lot of flings and FWBs. A lot of it was due to my lack of sex education from my parents/ church and having tons of it from everyone else. I learned so much about sex and different aspects about sex during this time period. Plus, it was my first couple years of college and most of my cohorts were in the same boat. However, I started finding out what I liked about sex and what I didn’t like.  I did have quite a few bad experiences especially with some of the more odd parts sex like riming. Yet, I found something that I was very interested in, which was tantric sex. I found it to be quite sensual and brought out this side of me that I would of never thought I would like. I am really turned on by slow, drawn out sex. Having lots of touch and having to mimic my partners breathing. I like the fact that I was really in the moment versus trying to be a Ferrari and reaching full speed in a few minutes and letting it all out at once. I don’t mind quickies but I don’t prefer them. Once getting involved with tantra, I quickly discovered what my body was capable of, what felt good to me and what I was comfortable with. This also made me vocal with various partners about what I wanted and didn’t want. I almost found it empowering. I did find that guys totally respected that I was so vocal about what I wanted.

The other part of this is the FWBs part. Along with my experimentation with Tantric sex was I had 3 or 4 FWBs that I had at the time. I knew as a christian I was kind of “playing with fire” with the multiple partners and tantric sex. However, I was still trying to find my own spot in the world. I didn’t want to conform to this box of what we call Christianity.  I still don’t. After my first relationship, I found myself trying to be christian as I could but with just a few smudgy borders. I found out that it okay to not always wait until marriage. I know plenty of Christians who do but my situation is different. It is all about what it right for you. I just found that choosing this path has made me a better christian. Now with the FWBs. I know I was taking a chance with these young men. I knew that this could end our friendship but I knew at the same time that it could blossom into full on relationship. I was willing to take that chance. I just had to be careful with that. The one thing I learned is to set boundaries early on in these type of relationships. This was to prevent an bad ending even though I had a bad ending with one of them. Also, if one of them wanted to go farther than we anticipated we would adjust to what we planned. I felt that this gave me the opportunity to find out what I exactly wanted in an relationship. It gave me plenty of practice in what I was looking for in a mate. I feel that going though this stage made me a better person since I learned a lot of different skills of communicating with different people especially when it comes to people you are so intimate with on a regular basis.

Christmas

I’m, like many of you all, are in the throws of last few days of the Christmas season. Last minute gift shopping, the Christmas eve services that you may be going too, and indulging in all sorts of goods. Unfortunately, this is all stressful. For me, all this stress causes me to have tummy troubles and requires me to end up not feeling well. It also requires me to be careful in what I eat. I end up avoiding some of the things that people indulge in. For example, Starbucks seasonal specialty drinks. They are so delicious and absolutely wonderful but cause me to run to the bathroom and ruining and often ending my shopping trip.  I also end up giving up on a lot of treats during this time of year because of this issue. I almost look like some who like to eat the raw vegan diet just to handle this problem. The good side is that my skin is clear and I lose weight but I end up just miserable. I even have had my family start looking for me after one Christmas dinner all because I had tummy troubles and couldn’t find me. This was after I made sure that everyone knew I was going to the bathroom.

The one thing I learned about this time of year is to really take care of yourself. I try to take time away from the chaos of work, shopping, gift giving, and parties. Just to relax and decompress and be away from everyone and everything helps with the stress and the issues that come with it. I know it is hard because we as a society feel that we must perform and do everything we can to make Christmas perfect.  But I can tell you some of the best Christmas’s are the ones I have gotten couple gift cards from wally world and socks. Just being grateful that I’m not in a worse off place.  Christmas doesn’t have to be perfect or we get a ton of gifts. Just be glad to be with the ones we love and be happy to have what we have.

The Struggle with Lust

There was a point in my life where I had a healthy respect and relation to boys. My ideas about marriage was to marry my best guy friend and marriage is pure, simple, and very platonic.  That all changed come about the 7th grade. My thoughts turned to lust and sensual towards young men. I was thinking about what the perfect guy was in my head-strong, very muscular, and ultimately sexy. This was based on essentially unattainable good looks that few men can achieve naturally. It really screwed with my head and this was at a time where most of my peer group was going though massive bodily changes due to puberty. My lust also led to other things like looking at naked men on the internet especially the guys that I have previously described. This happened about the same time as the lustful thoughts.  My parents had the typical birds and the bees talk and told me to “wait til marriage” without much explanation. Which would of persuaded me to do so but as my previous post mentioned I did not. They also never mentioned lust and how it can change how we view the opposite sex. In fact, nobody mentioned this to me until I was a junior in college and my pastor at my current church was preaching about it.  I also got disappointed with how “average” guys looked.  I remember the first time I saw a naked guy was the summer after 8th grade. This guy was a good friend of my at the time that I had a thing for. We were at his house and his parents weren’t there. Then out of nowhere he stripped down. My eyes laid upon his nude body and it was nothing like what I had seen via the internet. I felt like why did I feel so let down. That prompted me to go nude as well. This only led to fingering and making out. I wish someone had told me that the male body it not typically like the stuff you see on the internet. I probably not have been disappointed and I wouldn’t of ended up in a situation with my guy friend. I would of just walked away from the situation. I also wouldn’t have fallen for the trap of lust and sensuality. If someone had told me about the perils of some of this stuff I would of stayed on the straight and narrow.

So I had a few quesitons

I had a few question that were asked from my other blog that I had…..

One of them is about virginity and should you wait…

Even though I’m a christian and my faith asks me to wait until marriage…. Unfortunately, I didn’t. It wasn’t the pressure or to fit in but I felt that I was in the right relationship to have sex. Yeah, I could wait until marriage but it depended on how I felt at the time.  I felt that it made me a better person because at least I waited until the right person came along. I know my parents ingrained in to “wait” as well. I know many will say that I went against my parents and my church’s wishes and should be disappointed in myself but I am ultimately have that choice to have premarital sex.  I felt that was my decision was best for what I wanted in my life. I found that my confidence went though the roof and I had more empathy for people when I started having sex with boyfriend at the time. However, I was having sex for the right reasons. I was mature enough to take responsibility of how I felt and the consequences of having sex. I was also on the same page as my boyfriend and same emotional level as he was.  We only parted ways since our life paths were going different directions and either of us see a sustainable future.  It is the same way with my current beau. All it is- is a choice that you make and it should be about what is right for you and you only.

The other question I was asked was Do I do drugs?

Ummm….. No. I find that drugs don’t fit into my lifestyle and do appeal to me. I rather be high off of adrenaline or life than drugs.

Sigh…

So this morning about 5:30 am I had the same coworker who called me on a Saturday night  call me about something that could of waited. I feel like that this starting to become ridiculous. I could of gotten maybe an hour and half extra of sleep. Plus, I’m not a morning person which didn’t help the situation. So I pretty much spent the entire day groggy and in this qausi mental fog. Plus, I was pissed. You wake up someone who is sleeping for something minute. This woman who I think should know better since she has many more years of experience doing what she has done. Plus, life experience she may have had would lead her to think maybe calling this person would not be a good idea. I kind of feel that she was acting like a manipulative, spoiled teenager. I went to my supervisor about it and they suggest to go to HR(Human Resources).   However, my supervisor went with me so I could have back up. I told HR what was going on and let’s put it this way this coworker was kindly ask to leave the company.

I wish people understood what is acceptable socially. I now know why kids in college have to take interpersonal communication classes and “social graces” classes.  I always thought that those classes were waste of my time and money. Plus, I thought that these classes were just filler classes. I amazed that our education system has to teach us how to behave and act. I would say just think about what you are about to do. It takes only a few seconds. For example, Facebook… So many of us are on it…. You wouldn’t post something that offends or disgusting but there are those who still do. As I said before, just stop and think about what you are doing because you could screw yourself or others.

Christianity

I was raised one christian religion but converted to a different christian religion when I went to college.  A major factor in this change was the lack of religious education and proper instruction. I ended up finding out parts of my faith after the fact or when presented an aspect of my faith was not presented in an understandable way.  Which lead to me finding a different christian religion. Another part of it was the leadership of my church, let’s put it this way they didn’t have it together or tried to cover up corruption. Which made the whole situation kind of interesting. I realized when I got to college that I could find my own path in Christianity. I think it took me about 3 weeks to find a decent church that I have been with for a few years now.  Partly, why I like this church is that if I have a problem with a particular teaching I can go to the pastor and he can try to explain it five different ways for me to understand.

Unfortunately, today at work, the husband of one my coworkers who is a minister/pastor for the high school/college age kid at the church I went to growing up was kind of pushing that religion on me since he knew that I had changed christian religions. It did get a little frustrating because of the bad experience I had.  I was trying to be as tactful and classy about it since I am one of those people that tries to put the big girl pants on and act like an reasonable adult. He got really angry and tried to get me fired when I was kindly telling him my unfortunate experience. Thankfully, my supervisor and manager knew me best and could see what was going on. They actually asked him to leave “kindly.”  They also asked my coworker not to bring him in or invite him to the office again because of his disruptive behavior.

I think what I learned is that I can still be classy and tactful even under pressure and I can still defend my beliefs even though they may differ from others.

beginnings

What is like being a 20 something…… It is exciting, fun, and also full of growth….. I wish to share my experiences as a 20 something to help others learn as well. There will be laughter, tears, and everything in between. There will be rising to the top and epic fails. Hopefully, I can share as mush that with you all.

By the way, I’m Ally. I’m 23. My parents were military. I got my degree in English at Colorado Mesa University. I live in Grand Junction,CO.  And My life has always been an adventure.